Love Lost Found and Lost
I can't get a read on or relationship. Last weekend i thought it was salvaged, the holes were plugged and the water was not rushing in. We talked about what went wrong over the summer. We talked about what we both wanted. We talked....a lot. She cried on my shoulder, I cried on hers. Things looked like they would be better. But the entire weekend it all just seemed off, i shrugged it off as just left over weirdness from being broken up. It felt like i was the only one trying. We talked again tonight for a good deal of time. She sees the relationship as a knot, and it needs to be undone. What it comes down to is she is right back where she was last week. I feel like the whole thing is an egg shell ready to crack. We once had something, and now its gone. I want it back but i can't bring it back by myself. I know its still there, i saw it, in her eyes at night. Just looking into her blue/hazel eyes can make everything worth it.
I feel torn, i want her to be happy. i want to give her space. I know i can be a black hole. I think we have a fair amount of space now that i am back in NJ. I know i am happy with her, but i can't be happy with someone that thinks of our relationship as a burden to be carried. And if that is going to be the case then when can we just move on?
I don't want to break up, i want to love her and not feel guilty about loving her. I feel like by having feelings for her it puts her under some sort of pressure. Then I feel bad.
There were two looks in her eye this weekend. One i knew very well, it was the connection stair that two people can have. When the world around them stops and it just the two people. The other i didn't recognize, until now. It was doubt.
